R2D2 walks into a bar and says, !@#$%^&*()_+ *&^%#@~!
A penguin walks into a bar & asks, “Has anybody seen my brother?” The bartendr looks around & says, “What does he look like?”
The number 12 walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, can’t serve you. You’re under 21.”
A skeleton walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, “Give me a drink and a mop.”
A pair of dice walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What are you having, fellas?” One die answers, “Doubles”
3 blondes walk into a bar shouting “61 days!” Asked why, they explain: “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that said 3-5 yrs in only 61 days!”
Dog walks into bar. has leg in sling, 6gun at his side, cold look in his eye.”I’m a-lookin’ 4 the man what shot my paw”
Rhett Butler walks into a bar. Barmaid asks 4contribution2 hydroelectric project.He sez: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dam
A dachshund walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, pour me a long one.”
George M. Cohan walks into a bar & asks where’s the bathroom. The barman recognizes him & sings, ♫ OVER THERE! OVER THERE! ♫
A baby cow walks into a bar. The bartender refuses to serve him. Insulted, he says, “FINE, I’ll drink in some udder place”
2 eggs, a sausage, & a pancake walk into a bar. Bartender says, Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.
A banana walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, pal, but you’ve got to split.”
A cookie walks into a bar, finds it’s after closing time & falls apart. Bartender sez: I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles
A mushroom walks into a bar. Barman sez: We don’t serve your kind. Mushrm: C’mon! I’m a fungi #FunGuy
A penguin, a giraffe, & a polar bear walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
A giraffe walks into a bar and orders drinks for everyone by saying, “high balls on me.”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A man with jumper cables walks into a bar & asks: Can I get a drink? Bartender says: Sure, just don’t start anything
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks him over & laughs: What ARE those SOX?! The pirate growls: “Aargh I’ll …”
An angel walks into a bar hoping to meet someone heavenly.
An alien walks into a bar hoping she’ll meet someone out of this world.
Johnny Walker walks into a bar. The bartender asks: Have a drink, pal? Johnny says: No thanks, I already am one.
Robin Hood & his Merry Men walk into a bar. They all had dates. Robin had made Marian.
A pirate walks into a bar. Barman: You know you have a wheel on your pants? Pirate: Argh! Drives me nuts!
A man walks into a bar & says “ouch, that hurt”
Duck walks into a Bar. Says, “Put it on my bill.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Barman says: We have a drink named after you! GH: You have a drink named Kevin??
Baby seal walks into a bar. Barman sez what can i getcha. Baby seal sez anything but a canadian club on the rocks
A bee walks into a bar. The barman makes fun of him: “What’ll it BEE, pal?” The bee sneers, “Why don’t you just buzz off?”
A bear walks into a bar, hears what customers are ordering, & gets really angry. But then he settles down. “Oh, BEER nuts”
A bull walks into a bar to have a snort.
The bartender recognizes a squirrel in disguise. Squirrel: How did you know I’m a squirrel? Barman: Saw your nuts.
Pussy walks into a cat bar with a man & just sits there. Cat barmaid finally sez, “What’s wrong, honey, man got your tongue?”
A rope ties itself into a knot, walks into a bar, & orders: Beer, please! The bartender looks him over & says: Why knot?
A period walks into a bar and says, “This place is a dump!” The barman looks over at him & sez, “You make a good point.”
#AlternateEnding001 A period walks into bar & sez, “This place is a dump!” Barman looks at him & growls, “What’s your point?”
#AlternateEnding002 – A period walks into a bar & sez, “This place is a dump!” The barmaid looks up & sez, “I see your point”
An ampersand walks into a bar. The bartender stops him saying, “We don’t serve characters like you in here.”
Dr. Spock, a rabbit, & a cornstalk walk into a bar. Bartender sez: “You guys want to hear a joke?” They say: “We’re all ears.”
E.T. walks into a bar, sits in his usual place, & asks: ‘Any messages for me?’ The barman sez: ‘Yeah, you need to phone home’
Simon Cowell walks into a bar and sits. And waits. Nobody takes his order. He storms out shouting, “American Idle!”
Gwen Stefani walks into a bar. Guy sez, Sorry, ur ♫ Just A Girl ♫ Gwen sez, ♫ Excuse ME Mister ♫ & plays ♫ http://bit.ly/GwenND ♫
Ozzy Osbourne walks into a bar. Bartender sez, “We already had last call” Oz dials his iphone & sez, ♫Mama, I’m Coming Home♫
Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, & (Anna)Frida walk into a bar. The bartender says, ♫ Voulez-Vous? ♫
E.T. walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can make a long-distance call.
Napolean walks into a bar & pays cash. Barman counts it & sez: Hey, pal, you’re short! Napolean: Oh yeah? Well, you’re ugly!
John Paul Jones walks into a bar at last call and declares: I’ve not yet begun to drink!
ƒ(x) walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”
neutron & electron walk into a bar. neutron asks bartender, “how much 4 a beer?” bartender replies, “for you, no charge.”
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t walk into a bar. #QuantumPhysicsJoke”
An atom walks into a bar & sez: I lost an electron. Barman: Are you sure? Atom: I’m positive
Plato & a platypus walk into a bar. The bartender looks puzzled. Plato says, “She looked a lot better in the cave.”
Raskolnikov walks into a bar, robs it, but then returns the $. Amazed barman asks, why? R: I’d never have gotten away with it
A woman walked into a bar & asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her … #Needed2LookThatOneUp
double entendre – n., an ambiguity with one interpretation that is indelicate
A satanist, a demon, & the devil walk into a bar. When the bartender sees them, he screams: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
A priest, a minister, & a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Comic Sans & Times New Roman walk into a bar. The bartender sez: ‘we don’t serve your type’
Setting: Mickey and Minnie Mouse in divorce court. Mickey has made his case to the judge.
Judge: I’m sorry, Mickey, but mental instability in Minnie is not a valid reason for divorce.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy, your honor, I just said she was f*^%ing Goofy!
A guy walks into a bar that was built atop of a 20 story building. He walks up to the bartender asks for a shot of tequila, takes the shot, walks over to the balcony and jumps. Same guy walks back into the bar and repeats the whole process. A drunk man sitting at the bar notices and decides to stop the guy. The drunk guy asks “How do you do that?” The guy replies, “Well, I take the shot of tequila and it makes me very boyant. Right before it hit the ground the tequila makes me float. You should try it, it’s fun.” The drunk guy looks over at the bartender, asks for a shot of tequila, walks over to the balcony and jumps… and splat! Dies instantly. Bartender looks over at the guy sitting at the bar with a devilish grin and say, “You know Superman, you’re an asshole when you’re drunk.”
[Computer programming joke] An SQL query walks into a bar, approaches two tables and says, “May I join you?”
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks, “Have a drink?” Decartes replies, ‘I think not,’ and disappears.
A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a good joke?” The cornstalk says, “I’m all ears”
A horse walks into bar. The bartender says, ‘why the long face?’
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks, “Do I come here often?”